Wellness with Vanda
31: WWVC is Open! + Sharing Some Thoughts on Fear Associated with Giving Birth
Join the Wellness with Vanda Club!
Follow me on IG @wellness.with.vanda
Join my Email Community
Apply to Work with Me
Welcome back to the podcast. Today I want to give you a big reminder about the Wellness with Bina Club and then I'm going to do a little. We'll call it pregnancy update, but it's more of a really personal episode about how I am feeling now that I am 31 weeks today, on the day this podcast releases, on the day this podcast releases, and just kind of where my mental space, my mental thoughts I don't know what the right word to use is has been over the last few weeks and will probably continue to be going into the birth of our next baby. So first of all, let's talk about the Wellness with Vena Club. It is Tuesday when this episode is dropping, so doors to the club opened yesterday. The last three to four episodes of the podcast I've been talking all about what the Wellness with Vena Club is, giving you guys a sneak peek, kind of behind the curtain, giving you more exclusive details about what is going to be included immediately when you join and then what fun things I have planned as like extras and bonuses over the next few months. I'm so excited to get this out into the world, have it available for you to actually join and take advantage of this summer as we get through the rest of the summer and prepare for, you know, kiddos to go back to school and have a little bit more time to actually focus, maybe, on ourselves. So if you would like to join the club, there will now be a link in the show notes of each episode where you can join, because I'd love to have you on the inside Now. There is a special promotion that's going on this week as it is launch week, and since I am recording this on the Friday before it's going to go live, I don't know where we're at with those numbers, but I'm going to go ahead and tell you what the initial offer is. So for founding members the first 20 people to join the club you are going to be able to lock in your membership rate at just $14 a month. After that point it's going to raise a little bit to be $24. And then eventually it's going to be $47 to be in the club. So don't wait, go ahead, get signed up, join while you can get that founder members rate, because it will be that way for as long as you're a club member.
Speaker 1:Ok, now I'm going to talk about some things pregnancy related, birth related that I have just really been battling with over the last few weeks and I've been kind of quiet about the fact that they've been on my mind Because, to be honest with you, I feel a little silly or a little irrational about some of them, but it's real and it's what's on my mind and I think part of the reason that I feel silly I don't know that silly is the right word, but I think the reason that I feel the way that I do about this is because this is stuff that nobody is really talking about. But I think it's something that we kind of all go through and it's just I don't know. I don't know why we don't talk about it. We just don't know therapeutic for me or makes me at least feel like if I'm talking about it and it helps one other person not think that they're alone in it, then I've been able to do some good with the thing that I'm struggling with.
Speaker 1:I do want to give the warning that if you are currently pregnant, you may want to just turn this episode off and check out if you're not having any like scaries or anxieties going into your birth, because I never want to share something that then causes you to be scared or you to be anxious. So if you're pregnant and you're feeling good and you're excited for your birth, just turn this episode off and catch me next week. So I just want to give that warning. So what I'm going to share about I mean I guess you can kind of guess that already is like how I'm feeling going into this being my third labor, my third birth, and what I am kind of scared about going into that and I may get a little emotional because you know I'm hormonal anyway, but I've really. It just really makes me anxious and it really makes me emotional. So I'm going to try not to be emotional because I don't want it to be like hard to understand what I'm trying to say. But you know, just forewarning it may happen, um, so with and I feel like I need to like preface this with like how I have felt going into my previous births, because some of these things have been very new feelings for me and new thoughts for me. New feelings for me and new thoughts for me and something that maybe I didn't even really like expect would happen. I've had a lot of anxiety about this pregnancy before I was even pregnant, and I'll get into why I think that was and is in a little bit so like, let's back up to when I had Kenley. Kenley was my first baby. I had obviously never given birth before I've seen it done.
Speaker 1:You guys know I'm a nurse, so when you're in nursing school you have to go through a whole class on OB care and labor and delivery and they send you for clinicals on a labor and delivery unit and if you're lucky you get to see vaginal births and C-sections and you you learn so much and it's great and I'm so thankful for that experience, especially because then later on in my nursing career I worked on a unit where I was cross-trained to go help out in our OB unit when they were like really busy and had overflow patients and um, and I was lucky enough that I got to see both vaginal births and I think I saw one C-section, maybe two, I can't really remember while I was in nursing school and then I've seen a couple since I've been a nurse and although that's like a good thing, it's also an interesting experience if you have actually never seen what happens to a woman's body in a C-section. So going into Kenley's birth I was blissfully ignorant enough about like birth that I wasn't like I was scared Isn't really the right word. I was like apprehensive of what I didn't know, like any, I think. Anytime we have some type of experience that we go into it and we have like we've never done it before, we just don't know what to expect. It's that lack of like what, what can I expect? Kind of thing that gives us apprehension. I won't even like I did not feel scared going into Kenley's birth.
Speaker 1:I was. I had talked to some of my friends that had given birth before me. They had shared their stories with me and like, obviously women give birth every day, so I knew it's like I don't know. I just went into it with an open mind. Everybody is always asking you when you're pregnant about, like, what your plans are for birth, like, are you going to get an epidural, are you going to go natural? Are you going to, what are you going to do? And I've always went into each of my births with a very open mind. I did not. I don't believe in going into something like that, especially something unknown and where, honestly, you don't fully have a lot of control over with concrete plans, because what I didn't want to happen was I didn't want to like cook up this like plan or this dreamy birth in my mind, this whole experience, and then it goes sideways and be totally different from what I had planned. I just never felt like that was something that I could plan and have control over, and I didn't want to be disappointed on the back end of it that things didn't go the way that I wanted them to go. So I've always said and I still say this now, this is still my plan going into this birth. I will go into it with an open mind. I am not someone that wants to get an epidural right away. Um, I will like labor for as long as I can without it, but if I hit a point that I feel like I need the epidural, then I'll get it.
Speaker 1:Now, with Kenley's birth and when you've never been through birth, you also don't really know like what it feels like and what to expect and how you like hit that transition period and honestly I mean I don't know how other people feel about this. I think this is a pretty common feeling, but that like transition period where it's like you're almost to the point that you're like ready to push, that's the most intense, painful part of the labor and I think what happened with Kenley was. I hit that point because I remember feeling like if the pain doesn't get any worse than this, I'm OK. If the pain doesn't get any worse than this, I'm okay, I don't need an epidural. But I was very afraid that the pain was going to get worse, because you just don't know, you have no reference point and people tell you how painful and awful labor is, and so that's all that's in your mind. So I did decide to get the epidural with Kenley and I was so scared to get the epidural.
Speaker 1:Get the epidural with Kenley and I was so scared to get the epidural. It freaks me out to think that someone is sticking a needle in my spine. It's kind of. At that time I didn't even really give a whole lot of thought to the fact that like I wouldn't be able to feel part of my body, like obviously I knew that, but it just wasn't at the forefront of my mind At the time. I had other things on my mind but I did not enjoy that feeling of not being able to feel.
Speaker 1:And then of course, they don't let or at least where I gave birth they don't let anyone stay in the room with you while you're getting your epidural. So, like my mom had to leave, my husband had to leave, I was really scared to get your epidural. So, like my mom had to leave, my husband had to leave. I was really scared to get this epidural. And, thank goodness, I had this wonderful nurse that I had worked with because I gave birth at the hospital I worked at as a nurse at the time and she, like I was. She came in and they had sent everybody out and I was crying and she just held my hands and she was like honey, you're so scared, aren't you? And I was like, yeah, I really am. Um, and thankfully, like it went fine. They got it on the first try, which, honestly, if they had had to try more than once, I probably would have been like, nope, forget it, I'm good, I'm just going to push through Um. But they, they got it on the first try and I never had any like I don't know problems with it. It went fine. So that was kind of like all I was going to say about her birth.
Speaker 1:Then, going into Hollis's birth, I still was like open-minded about it. I was like you know, I'll just do whatever I feel like I need to do. And so Kenley came early. I was 37 weeks and seven days when she was born and my labor started because my water broke. In the middle of the night I woke up and my water had broke and so obviously I knew it was time to go to the hospital and that we were going to have a baby soon With Hollis stubborn little thing, you know. I went into that thinking oh well, kenley came early. Second and third you know they say like the more pregnancies you have, like the faster your labors are and the sometimes the quicker they come. So I just like went into it assuming that he would come early and he did not.
Speaker 1:We got to the point that we were talking about induction. I really, really did not want to have to be induced. So they finally like talked me into scheduling an induction date and thank goodness he came the day before I was set to be induced, because I was really dreading the induction with him and I just I just didn't want it. I just flat out. I don't think I have to make an excuse for that, I just didn't want it. However, my water did not initially break with him, so like I was having these contractions and there was all this other like background stuff going on and I have Hollis' full birth story published on my blog if you really want to like get into the details of it.
Speaker 1:But basically I waited too long to go to the hospital because I didn't want to be one of those people that show up at the hospital and they're like honey, you're not in labor, like that was on my mind so much in those last few days and weeks when I was pregnant with Hollis, probably because I worked there and people knew me and like I didn't want to look silly, I didn't want to look dumb and you know, I don't know, I don't know. I just we just waited too long. We live at least 30 minutes away from the hospital and we just I should have went earlier. But we got there and you know they asked me it was things were in a rush because it was clear that like I was close to giving birth to this baby and I remember the nurse asked me like as soon as I got there she was like now, do you want an epidural? And I was like I mean, probably, but I don't think it's going to happen, and I was totally right. Like there was no way I couldn't have even sat still, I don't think, to get the epidural, but anyway. So I have done it both ways. I have given birth with the epidural, I've given birth naturally.
Speaker 1:I don't know what I'll do this time. I felt like my recovery with Hollis when I went natural was a little easier than with Kenley and of course I didn't have to worry about the whole getting an epidural needle in my back kind of thing. It was super painful and I remember looking over at my mom as soon as he was like here and out and saying people that do this naturally by choice are effing crazy. And at the time I really really fully meant it and thought I will never selectively do this naturally again. Um, but now you know, it's been two and a half years and you kind of forget how painful those things are and, uh, I'm considering it again. So I don't know, we'll see what happens. I'll do an as like an episode or an update or a blog post or something and tell this baby's birth story too, because I have with all my others. But, um, I don't mean.
Speaker 1:The one good thing is that, like, once the pain is over, it's over, you know, and I really hit a point where, like, I was transitioning and finally my water broke. And honestly, once my water broke I felt so much like, I guess, pressure relief. So I feel like I'm getting off topic a little bit, but I felt like I needed to give like that kind of background information to how my previous labors have went. So, a couple of weeks ago, um, you know, I'm getting closer to the end of this pregnancy and I've started having Braxton Hicks. A couple of weeks ago, which like did not happen really at all with Kenley I didn't feel like I ever had any. Um, and then with Hollis, I didn't have them until like the week that I gave birth. So it freaked me out that I was having these Braxton Hicks contractions and my mom, which this doesn't have any like, no bearing on what I'm going to experience at all. But my mom did have my brother six weeks early. And so I made the mistake of like looking at the calendar and thought, wow, like if I had my baby six weeks early, then when would I have the baby? And that's like mid July. We're like two, three weeks away from that timing. So that was kind of on my mind.
Speaker 1:And then I think, I think when you are a mom already and you have living children in your home that you are responsible for, that you are enjoying watching grow up and like you just feel like you never want to miss out on anything with them. I think it gives you like more fear, that like what if? What, if something happens to me during this labor, and I think that that because I'm a nurse and because I have seen these things and I have worked really closely with OB units in the past, I just know a little too much about all the things that can potentially go wrong. It's truly a miracle every time that a woman gives birth and it goes smoothly, like there's just like so many things at play and they teach you all this stuff when you're in nursing school and it was my I remember being mind blown when I learned it.
Speaker 1:My best friend was pregnant at the time with her first baby and I remember feeling like so scared for her and just praying the whole time that I was in that class and we were waiting for her daughter to be born, that they would be safe, um, and that things would go good. Sorry, I'm trying to collect myself because I don't want to. I don't want to sound all squeaky and hard to understand through the rest of this episode. Um, that's why I think, like that is obviously my biggest fear, um, going into this labor, is that something would happen to me and or the baby, um, and I don't know, we would just like not be okay, I mean, and I I don't have any reason. There's nothing like I have had a totally normal pregnancy. I haven't felt like the best the whole time, but like nothing abnormal, like I've had pelvic pain and I've been tired and whatever. Like totally normal pregnancy symptoms I have. No, I'm not high risk like I don't have. I don't have reasons to be worried, really.
Speaker 1:But I think that's the thing with anxiety, like it doesn't make sense, you know, and sometimes we just worry about things that are out of our control and that scare us and that's what's happening. So that's my biggest fear going into it. And there's really, like you know, I talk sometimes about there being like there's, two sides of my brain, like rationally. I know that I'm going into this as a healthy person, that like I have done things to try to take care of myself and remain active throughout this pregnancy. When I hit this point in pregnancy with all three, I have kind of like beat myself up and been like you haven't done enough to prepare for this pregnancy or you haven't worked out enough, you haven't, like, tried to maintain your strength enough, and whatever, and that's just like that's a me thing. Honestly, I've done what I, what I could do throughout this pregnancy and, um, especially in the last few weeks, I have made an intentional decision that I am being more active, I'm getting in more steps, that I'm trying to like I don't know, just stay more ready, because I just think it's helpful for your birth experience when you are a person that is a little more active as opposed to someone that is not as active.
Speaker 1:Um, so, and now I've, like I've kind of lost my train of thought, um, anyway, the other thing that I'm really freaked out about is having to have a C-section. Um, and I had a friend over friend over last week or the week before, and she has given birth multiple times. She has multiple kids. She's done it natural every time and I was talking to her about it. I was like, you know, I'm really really like having a lot of anxiety this time about having to have a C-section and I don't really know why. We don't have any indicators, like nothing to make me believe I would have to get a c-section, but I'm I'm really just afraid of that and I, you know, I shared in the beginning of the episode that I've had a lot of anxiety around this pregnancy before I was even pregnant, and it's not something that I have shared.
Speaker 1:Like I'm terrible honestly terrible about sharing my feelings with anyone. Um, like I have very I have certain people that I will really like dig in deep and talk to about my feelings and what's on my mind and stuff, and I have like one particular best friend that hears all my crap. But then sometimes I'm even really reluctant to share things with Blake, my husband, or like my mom, who I'm really close with. Like I haven't. It took me all of this, this worry and this fear was swirling around in my mind for probably like two weeks or more before I ever even said anything to Blake about it. Um, and I still haven't really like said anything to my mom about it. Um, she doesn't like know that this stuff is is on my mind and I have, like I said, I have um I have like three pretty close girlfriends that I talk to things like this about and I have shared with them some of the things that's like freaking me out on my mind.
Speaker 1:But before I even got pregnant, I was really worried about I don't know like getting pregnant, and I didn't have any reason to think that either. It was just a worry that was on my mind, Like what if we have trouble getting pregnant this time? What if I can't get pregnant again? Um, you know what if I like don't handle the pregnancy Well, cause I you know, because again, I've got these other little people that I'm taking care of every day, and thankfully we got pregnant pretty quickly, right after we started trying. All of that went well and that kind of eased my anxiety for a while. But then, like I said, the past couple weeks, all of this new nervousness and worries and anxiety has creeped up and I think, like I said, just my history with being a nurse I know too much. But I also think that one of my like triggers for this has been that there is someone on Instagram. Her name is Shanna, her handle is wellness for the win.
Speaker 1:I followed her for years and she, almost exactly a year ago, had her second baby. She had like beautiful pregnancy, felt normal the whole time, I won't say felt great. I don't know how she felt, but like she didn't have any complications, she didn't have any, nothing. She went into her labor. I don't really know all the details, she hasn't shared them. It was a very traumatic experience for her, as I'm sure. Um, but something happened. She ended up having to have a emergency C-section. Um, her son ended up with a anoxic brain injury because he his brain didn't get oxygen for, you know, an extended period of time and that has, like completely obviously rocked their world. It was totally unexpected. It was just like a freak thing that you know happened in her labor. That you know happened in her labor.
Speaker 1:And you know that's just scary to just think that like you could go this whole pregnancy and think everything is great, everything is fine, and you go in to deliver that day and your entire world is just turned completely upside down and then your life on the other side of that looks totally different. You know, here you think you're going to bring home this healthy baby and you're going to have, you know, these siblings that are like going to grow up and play together and it's just like your whole plan for life is just changed. And I guess that's why you know they tell us, god doesn't want us to make plans because he's in control, I get that, but you can't help but like dream for what your life is going to be. And then you know, just, I also have heard and been around for stories where women have went through their whole pregnancy. They've gotten all the way to the end and then they've had a stillbirth, for some reason, like some freak, something has happened and the baby dies and it's just, it's just really nerve wracking trying to get through these, really nerve-wracking, trying to get through these um, through these last few weeks and go through the labor and get to bring home a healthy baby.
Speaker 1:And I mean, I pray all the time that me and this baby will be safe and healthy throughout the pregnancy and the delivery. And that's really all we can do, um, because it is out of our control. You know we can, we can do things, um to try to prepare and try to take care of ourselves for, uh, you know, the end of pregnancy, the delivery, all that good stuff. And I'm doing those things, like I'm doing what is in my control to try to make sure that we are healthy and prepared and ready and the rest of it. I just have to put it in God's hands and try to not worry about it, and that's obviously a lot harder than, you know, just saying that that's like what I'm going to do, you know, just just saying that that's like what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 1:Um, so I, you know this episode is probably getting so long and I feel like I've been rambling, but I have felt so like I don't know, silly and alone the last few weeks as I've been like trying to work through all this and had all of this like on my mind because nobody talks about it, and I don't know why. Because, you know, when I talked to my friend that was over here a week or so ago, she was like, oh yeah, when I went into, you know, my birth, I was also worried about, you know, like what if something happens to me during this labor? And also about, like, having to have a c-section and all the same fears that I was having and things I was worrying about. She had worried about it too, and I had no idea that she was worried about it going leading up to her labor. And I'm sure, like I know that I'm not alone in these thoughts that I, you, you know, like some of them are probably irrational, but that's, you know, that's part of worrying about things and having a little bit of anxiety and being anxious about things.
Speaker 1:It's not always rational, it doesn't always make sense, we don't always have evidence for why we feel the way that we do, or you know a reason to feel that way, and I just wanted to share it because it made me feel better to know that she had also had these same worries and that this was normal. I guess to it helped me normalize it that, like I'm not the only one that thinks about I was like am I having these worries? Has this been put on my mind and on my heart for some reason because something is going to go wrong? And it's like kind of my body's intuitive way of preparing me for some, for like something to go wrong or go like not the way that it has with my previous two births or you know, and it just it just helped me feel like I wasn't being a complete I don't know psycho about it, and that you know there's other people out there that are going through the same thing, and so I wanted to share it because if there's any of you listening that are either pregnant right now and you decided to not turn off the podcast episode, like I advised you to, or you're listening to to it now and you remember this later on, years down the road, when you're pregnant and you're leading up to your birth. I just I don't know.
Speaker 1:I just wanted people to know that it's not silly that you feel that way, number one and number two, that other people have had those same fears and anxieties and thoughts as well, that it's not like I don't know, it's not unique to you, I guess so, and also, like I said, I think it is therapeutic for me to talk about it out loud and say some of these things out loud that have been quietly or maybe loudly just, in my mind over the last few weeks, rest of this pregnancy. I am trying to focus on the things that I do know to be true and trying to remind myself of what. Which of my thoughts are rooted in like facts, or or at least we have evidence to support them, and which of my thoughts truly are anxiety and worry and nervousness about something that I can't control and I not to say that I'm going to like. I think it's important for us to allow ourselves to feel our feelings as something that I something that I've really been thinking about for the last month or so and that I've been working on more individually, and I'm actually going to talk about that a little more in next week's episode, kind of related to a different topic. But I think that I don't want to say that that's like my plan and make it sound like I'm going to suppress all these feelings. I'm just going to ignore that I'm having these feelings, or ignore that I'm anxious about this, because I don't think that's helpful either. However, what I'm saying is that I'm just going to try to reframe or redirect some of my thoughts when these scary things come up. So I don't really know how to wrap up this episode, to be honest. So I think I'm just going to leave it there and if there, I guess I'll end with this.
Speaker 1:If there are any of you that are listening to this now that are also feeling this way, um, or in the future, you find yourself feeling this way and you just want somebody to talk to about it and just say like hey, I'm having this. You know, I have this feeling, this thought, this whatever, going up to my labor and I feel really silly about it. That's been my biggest thing, like I feel like I should not feel this way. Feel free to reach out and you know I'll listen and reassure you and you know, whatever, just be a friend and be a listening um, a listening ear about it, because that has been, um, that's been really helpful for me, um, talking through it with a few of my friends and then I, like I said, I did tell Blake, um, all these, you know, these things that were on my mind and you know, men, men, have never had to go through labor before.
Speaker 1:They've never had to feel like the I don't know the burden of giving labor and knowing that, like there's still so many other people that are depending on you and being scared that something might happen. And I don't think he really he didn't really a hundred percent like know what to say when I shared all of that and, um, you know he's, he's reassured me and you know, I know that he he's also like praying that I will be healthy and that our baby will be healthy and everything will go great. But it has helped me more so to talk to other moms, other women that have, you know, been through birth before and been through birth when they're given birth to their like second and third child and things like that. So I'm going to end there and I'll be back next week to talk with you guys about something that is a little bit lighter of a subject, uh, at least uh for me anyway. So I will chat with you guys next week.